Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
