I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
