I think my vagina is haunted
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
