You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
