My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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