benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
