and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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