what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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