i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
