can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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