this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
