life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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