i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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