hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
pop tarts are not kleenex
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
