haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
