You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
