So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He called his prostate his "boner button".
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
