so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
