I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
