You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
