I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
