The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
