I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
