Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
