and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We left the knife in your bed.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
