.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
