remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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