Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
