this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
A+ Viking dick
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
