...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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