I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize