Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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