somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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