When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I am mentally ready for anal.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
