I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
