one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
