Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
