I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
