You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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