I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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