it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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