god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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