And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize