May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize