Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
