I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
