Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
