I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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