Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Randomize
