I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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