my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm passing your future prison.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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