i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
