I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize