so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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