Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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