someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
