Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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