a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
