i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
