I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
