Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm really busy with my period
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