can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My dick has a subreddit
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
