I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
do nipples grow back?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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