forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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